A phoney story

I’m gonna tell you a phony story about technology. It’s authentic, but

it’s phony, and it's phony because it’s the story of my mobile phone a,

so-called, smartphone.

It’s somewhat old and has some scratches, but it is still smart, just

like, ahem, me. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

It still smarts from some falls to the floor, but it’s still going strong,

just like, ahem, me.

There are a couple of things I don’t understand about mobiles:

1.- I don’t understand why the call them mobile, because they don’t

move at all. For instance, I throw a ball at them, and.. Come on,

fetch it...nothing…. My dog is more mobile and certainly smarter than

that.

2.- Nor do I understand why they call them cell phones, because it’s

the kind of gadget a prisoner won’t be allowed to take to his cell.

3.- My phone is smart because it has, among other things, very

interesting ringtones. One is very funny to use in crowded elevators,

if you receive a call, in the next floor, yeah, the elevator is empty.

They, phones, come in many models and shapes.

For instance, this is the banana phone, very adequate for tropical

climates. Necessity is the mother of invention, isn’t it? The good thing

about it is that it is edible, which is useful if you are in a deserted

island.

Let me try it

- Eugene, Eugene

- It’s me, Pablo from Toastmasters

- I just wanted to know if the Russians have already withdrawn

their smart missiles from Cuba.

- They did that already

- That’s good

- But, is Fidel Castro still in power?

- O yeah, I understand, the missiles are gone, but Castro is still

in

- I see

Another very useful feature of my phone is the autocorrect, or

predictive text. Yes. Sometimes gets you into trouble, but it’s fine.

For instance, I once texted

Grandma is in the grave

- and my contact asked

- What are you saying?

- Ooops, sorry, garage,

- Oh autocorrect!

Among the most absurd applications, we have:

- The melon meter

You knock on the water melon with consistent pressure and rhythm

until prompted to stop.

The phone will tell you if the melon is ready for consumption

Smart phones are really clever.

Suppose it’s Monday, you have a huge hangover, and you want to

fake an illness.

You type: how to fake symptoms of being ill

And you read;

- Decide what illness are you going to fake

- Start mentioning symptoms the day before you want to fake

sick

- Jog your memory

- Make your face pale

- Pretend you are dizzy and lightheaded

- Act uncomfortable

- Be sluggish

- Act like you’re upset about being sick

- Don’t suddenly get better.

In a parallel universe, right after we'd come to this world, telephone

chips will be implanted in our heads, the way we implant chips on

dogs.

Once the implant is into place, we will be taught at school a set of

gestures like these:

- Riiing, it rings inside your head

- If you have the number in memory, you see who's calling

- To accept the call you pull your ear lobe: Hello?

- To reject the call you push your nose. BRRR

To speak, you do this (thumb & small finger) The earphone is

implanted in my thumb and the microphone in mi little finger.

I have one of those chips implanted, you know? Sorry, I have a call

- Pablo Gómez-Mora speaking, who is calling, please?

- President Obama?

- Yes, I accept. It is not a collect call, is it?

- OK

- Barak,

- Yes, I called you yesterday because my father says you're

bugging my phone?

- He says he is not my father

lick t� E B W � xo� this Land Rover… and I only have one tongue.

- Please, I need the car because I have an ill child and I have to take her to the Hospital.

- Well, I’ll see what I can do. Leave the car there.

- Where?

- There

- But there it does not fit

- (nodding)

- Go, go, go ahead, you got it