I’m gonna
tell you a phony story about technology. It’s authentic, but
it’s phony,
and it's phony because it’s the story of my mobile phone a,
so-called,
smartphone.
It’s
somewhat old and has some scratches, but it is still smart, just
like, ahem,
me. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
It still
smarts from some falls to the floor, but it’s still going strong,
just like,
ahem, me.
There are a
couple of things I don’t understand about mobiles:
1.- I don’t
understand why the call them mobile, because they don’t
move at
all. For instance, I throw a ball at them, and.. Come on,
fetch
it...nothing…. My dog is more mobile and certainly smarter than
that.
2.- Nor do
I understand why they call them cell phones, because it’s
the kind of
gadget a prisoner won’t be allowed to take to his cell.
3.- My
phone is smart because it has, among other things, very
interesting
ringtones. One is very funny to use in crowded elevators,
if you
receive a call, in the next floor, yeah, the elevator is empty.
They,
phones, come in many models and shapes.
For
instance, this is the banana phone, very adequate for tropical
climates.
Necessity is the mother of invention, isn’t it? The good thing
about it is
that it is edible, which is useful if you are in a deserted
island.
Let me try
it
- Eugene, Eugene
- It’s me,
Pablo from Toastmasters
- I just
wanted to know if the Russians have already withdrawn
their smart
missiles from Cuba
- They did
that already
- That’s
good
- But, is
Fidel Castro still in power?
- O yeah, I
understand, the missiles are gone, but Castro is still
in
- I see
Another
very useful feature of my phone is the autocorrect, or
predictive
text. Yes. Sometimes gets you into trouble, but it’s fine.
For
instance, I once texted
Grandma is
in the grave
- and my
contact asked
- What are
you saying?
- Ooops,
sorry, garage,
- Oh
autocorrect!
Among the
most absurd applications, we have:
- The melon
meter
You knock
on the water melon with consistent pressure and rhythm
until
prompted to stop.
The phone
will tell you if the melon is ready for consumption
Smart
phones are really clever.
Suppose
it’s Monday, you have a huge hangover, and you want to
fake an
illness.
You type:
how to fake symptoms of being ill
And you
read;
- Decide
what illness are you going to fake
- Start
mentioning symptoms the day before you want to fake
sick
- Jog your
memory
- Make your
face pale
- Pretend
you are dizzy and lightheaded
- Act
uncomfortable
- Be
sluggish
- Act like
you’re upset about being sick
- Don’t
suddenly get better.
In a
parallel universe, right after we'd come to this world, telephone
chips will
be implanted in our heads, the way we implant chips on
dogs.
Once the
implant is into place, we will be taught at school a set of
gestures
like these:
- Riiing,
it rings inside your head
- If you
have the number in memory, you see who's calling
- To accept
the call you pull your ear lobe: Hello?
- To reject
the call you push your nose. BRRR
To speak,
you do this (thumb & small finger) The earphone is
implanted
in my thumb and the microphone in mi little finger.
I have one
of those chips implanted, you know? Sorry, I have a call
- Pablo
Gómez-Mora speaking, who is calling, please?
- President
Obama?
- Yes, I
accept. It is not a collect call, is it?
- OK
- Barak,
- Yes, I
called you yesterday because my father says you're
bugging my
phone?
- He says
he is not my father
- Please, I need the car because I have an ill child and I have to take
her to the Hospital.
- Well, I’ll see what I can do. Leave the car there.
- Where?
- There
- But there it does not fit
- (nodding)
- Go, go, go ahead, you got it
