Family feuds

-         What am I going to do now? – said grandpa in tears.

Her wife was lying dead before him.

My grandparents had a large family: 7 children and, just after delivering their eight, a sweet baby girl, grandma had died. It was a traditional family, women should stay at home and rear as many children, as many as God, in its infinite wisdom, would send us.

-         Who is going to feed the newborn? – asked himself in despair.

At that time, there was not such a thing as the baby formula and newborns had to be breast fed.

Grandpa enjoyed a good standard of living. But he had to work hard to keep that status. This left him no time to take care of his large family.

So he had two concerns, one urgent: feeding the newborn, and two, finding a wife who would accept rearing the eight orphans.

- Do we know any woman who is breast feeding and would share her breast milk?

At that time, about 1920, wet nurses were frequent. They were usually poor women who recently had a child and accepted to share their breast milk for a salary, they were treated as servants. Her son and the newly born girl were milk siblings.

Grandpa was a practical man. Looking for a new wife he went no further that the second floor of his apartment building (he lived in the fourth floor). There it lived with her parents a forty something single woman, very honest and very sweet.

After a brief courtship –remember, grandpa was in hurry- he proposed her marriage.

She faced the dilemma of ending her days as a spinster or marrying a man with such a large family. Grandpa argued that his children will treat her as a true mother.

Finally she decided that she would marry him and embark in a new life, two stories up of her parents’ home.

- I’ll marry you, but you have to give me authority to run the house and discipline your children.

Soon after she entered her new home, she realised that, far from being accepted as a mother, she was considered an intruder by some of grandpa’s sons.

Particularly, by the priest. Yes, grandpa had a priest at home, the eldest son. After returning from the Seminar, he installed himself at grandpa’s house, and took the best bedroom, facing South. Probably he hated women and the presence of that stranger in his own house was unbearable to him.

He stopped talking to her, but he didn’t leave the house.

The situation was obscene. A priest who was supposed to preach love among mankind, who lived rent-free under the same ceiling that his stepmother, and who was not able not only to forgive, but to speak to her!

Finally, Grandpa died aged 83. He was genuinely loved by her children and grandchildren.

Did the old enemies reconcile over grandpa’s grave?

No, hatred had eaten them from the inside. They will never forgive.

The priest left his father’s house, without remorse, without forgiveness.

The moral than can be drawn is: hatred is a very destructive emotion that may get the best of you. It can literally drain your energy. Don’t let hatred eat you from the inside!

Darkness cannot drive out darkness;

Only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate;

Only love can do that”

(ML King Jr.)

Mortal enemies

A crowd has been slowly assembling in Revolution Square to see an extraordinary spectacle. Everybody could see the fatal blade of the killing machine shining in the morning sun, oh, it was well sharpened! Then, there was a murmur: the guards are coming! the guards are coming!

*********

But let me go back in time.

He was a french lawyer and politician who, because of his radical and uncompromising style, was called the “Incorruptible”. Although initially opposed to death penalty he later embraced the radical purification of politics by the killing of his enemies. His period at the helm of the “Convention Nationale” as the revolutionary Parlament was named, was called “the reign of terror” and hundreds were sentenced to death under mere suspicions of treason, sedition and conspiracy.

Died 28/7/1794 at 36 years of age.

*********

And She was a sweet girl,raised in the comfort of an Imperial Court, not used to any kind of physical hardship. Her world was gay and easygoing. She could play “hide an seek” in palaces with 100 rooms. Only, in the city she lived in, she had three palaces: Hofburg, Schönbrunn and Belvedere and, yet, although she had the best teachers available, at age 10 still couldn’t write or read properly. Her only obligation was to be happy.

Died 16/10/1793 at 37 years of age

****************

By an extraordinary twist of destiny, the fates of these two characters, the pampered girl and the passionate revolutionary, were bound to clash in one of the most agitated periods of History. And, by an even more extraordinary coincidence, both ended their lives in the same manner, with one year difference: their heads severed by the fatal blade.

***********

The spoiled girl, born in imperial Vienna, was to become the Queen of Fance. While French people were starving, she led an extravagant, luxurious and carefree life in the Versailles Palace. Some say that her promiscuous and lavish way of living caused the people’s hate and precipitated the French Revolution. She was dubbed the Autrichienne (autre chienne, in French, another bitch).

***************

This quiet life at the Palace was disturbed by one of the most extraordinary events in History: The French Revolution.

In 1789 a mob stormed Versailles Palace, it was led mostly by women and went so far as to the Royal Bedrooms. They played hide and seek with the royals. The royals hid but they were found trembling in a safe room. King Louis XVI (a Bourbon) and Queen Marie Antoinette of France (a Hausburg) were transported to the Tulleries Palace in Paris under house arrest and under the watchful eye of the National Guard.

The story of the royal family imprisonment was cruel.

At the beginning, the royal family was together in a palace The Tulleries, they still had their servants, their dresses, their jewels, their courtesans, their relatives. They tried to escape but they were discovered and brought to Paris again, slowly, for the people to see and insult them.

To avoid further escape attempts, they were moved to a castle (The Temple). A few servants, one relative, the royal children. Only two rooms.

An extraordinary session of the National Assembly was held to discuss the the fate of the deposed monarchs. Our brash revolutionary, called “the incorruptible”, took a leading role.

--The monarchs are an obstacle to the Revolution—he said

--The king and the queen must die, so that the nation may live. They could function only as a threat to liberty and national peace –he added.

The King was summarily judged and executed in the Revolution square.

Maria Antoinette was now alone with her children.

She was no longer the Queen, only Capeto’s widow.

After another escape attempt, she was further stripped of the only things she had: her children, her clothes, her only servant, even her little watch with which she counted the endless hours of her captivity, and led to a dungeon: La Conciergerie.

She now only had her life. But it was to be taken away soon.

She was judged for treason in the National Convention.

Her last will was intercepted by the young revolutionary and lost for many years.

**********

Now let’s go back to The Revolution Square where the people were whispering “the guards are coming, the guards are coming”! Escorted in an ox-driven cart came the offender, Marie Antoinette, the Queen of France, pale, dressed in a plain white dress. She was taken out by the guards and helped up the stairs. Inadvertently, she stepped on the executioner’s foot.

- Excuse me, sir, I meant not to do it!

A true dame to the very end!

The executioner tied her hands on the back and with an expert gesture made her lay under the killing machine. Then, a firm pull on the rope and the fatal blade fell on her neck and did its job. Then the severed head was put to a pole and shown to the crowd. A big roar of applause rose from the populace amid shouts of ¡Vive la Revolution!

As for her nemesis, Maximilien Robespierre, his revolutionary zeal made him clash with other political factions. He was on the losing side on an internecine war and was summarily judged, declared enemy of the revolution and executed in the guillotine in the next year. The vengeful crowd assembled once more in La Concorde square in Paris.

The crowd was much smaller than the Queen’s. The French people was kind of getting used to the spectacle…

Was she the depraved woman who attracted the hate of the people and became the catalyser of the French Revolution?

Was she an heroine?

Today we recognise that she was neither a bitch, the Austrian bitch, neither a heroine. Se was obliged by the circumstances to be bigger than her true dimension.

Power is nothing without control

As Mr Pirelli, said, “Power is nothing without control”

This takes me to one morning when I, with an uncomfortable pain on my side, am facing a Doctor. He has a radiograph in his hand.

-“Côte cassee”, he says. 

I don’t understand, côte remembers me the world “entrecôte”. Is that guy asking if I’m  hungry?

I look around and see the familiar face of my wife.

-You have a broken rib, dear

The final “dear” sounds like idiot, “you have broken a rib, idiot”. Oh my God!

- Should I wear a plaster cast around my chest … here? - I ask the doctor, worried.

-We can do that, but then –said the doctor- you couldn’t breathe. Do you really want the cast?

Well, not really…

Could I ski more? –I ask- I’ve  paid for the whole week.

- You better not, you can puncture a lung. But you can drive home if you wish.

We are in a French ski resort, 1.400 km. from home.

 My wife looked away and moved her head as meaning don’t even think about it!

Ski is a dangerous sport.  You know, the human body has 206 different bones but the only that nobody has broken at skiing, so far, are  those three we have in the inner ear.

The business of skiing is about going fast in a frozen surface using a pair of boards attached to your feet with two poles attached to your hands. The faster, the better. You feel powerful, man!

But as Mr. Pirelli would say “power is nothing without control”. So you’ll have to learn to brake before you learn to speed up. And the ski instructors teach you this dignified position plow, plow plow!.

I’ve been skiing for 40 years…How have I wasted my time!

In a typical day of ski, first hour in the morning you wake up early and start to dress with all that clumsy equipment: anorak, trousers, boots, mask, poles, goggles, bonnet, creams, you go down to the lifts and there is a light blizzard. At the starting lift there is a huge queue, people are packed in line, so close  they look like penguins in the South Pole, wearing their skis and poles. People step into your skis, scratching them with their own -pardon me, escusez moi!- trying to elbow their way ahead. Half an hour wait is common.

Then you get into the lift. Prepare yourself for a trip on the chair lift. You have to face wind chill. You shiver. Conversation with your chair neighbor is out of question. Jaw freezing is common in. You cannot speak properly. It’s something like the dentist’s anesthesia

-Whele do you came fran?

-I came fran Valenza, Sssspain.

.

But, when you really realize how clumsy is the ski clothing is at the time of going to the toilet.

You enter there, and approach the pissing bowl walking like the Frankenstein monster. You open your zipper and you find that, due to the cold weather, certain parts of the human body  tend to shrink to such a small size you’ve never imagined they could. You soon realize it’s impossible to get out such a small thing with such a big gloves. So you take them off, but there is no place to leave them. Finally, you put them down your armpit. While pissing, oh power is nothing without control! you realize than one glove is moving. You have to choose between:

-       catch the glove halfway down, releasing the instrument you have in your hands --in which case the instrument will probably retract back in, and you’ll piss yourself inside the ski pants--, 

-       or let it fall into the floor and get soaked in all kind of dirty liquids

You choose, obviously, to let it fall.

 (pick it up and try to bite the glove while fastening your zipper)

So, if you want to ski, prepare yourself, prepare your wallet, and make sure you have an accident insurance that covers any broken bone, except the three in you inner ear.

And rembember: “power is nothing without control”

Is public speaking a performing art?

I’m gonna show you two interpretations of the same composition: 1st movement of piano sonata facile by Mozart.

…

Which one did you like most?

Why?

Tempo, emphasis, rhythm…

Music has its rules to convey the sense of beauty to our ears: movements, tempo (iusto, legato and rubato), rhythm, harmony, dynamics (piano and forte), etc.

And public speaking has its own rules too to convey the message you want to transmit to the audience: structure, body language, voice modulation, pacing and pausing …

So, yes, public speaking is also a performing art.

In music there are good interpreters and bad interpreters. Like Glen Gould and Maria Joao Pires.

The same happen to speakers. You know when you see a good one: Mariano Rajoy Prime Minister of Spain is a bad speaker, David Cameron, of the UK is a good one.

A good speech can

·        draw men to battle, making them fearless in front of the enemy, take this example… (we shall go on to the end…)

·        make them willing to make great sacrifices to defend an idea, or a doctrine, take this example… (I have a dream… 269 million hits)

…

Such is the power of the spoken word…

But, as public speaking abilities are crucial for:

-        a politician, who has to convince the voters to vote for him,

-        a lawyer who should learn how to argue his point before a judge

-        and for a teacher, who should transmit his knowledge to the pupils

They can they be important for you too? Yes, because:

People encounter impromptu speaking situations every day. An impromptu speech can take the form of

-        a job interview:

-Are you the best person for this job, why?

-        Or a sales pitch:

- Why do you think your product is superior to the competition?

-        Or asking a producer to support your project

- Why should I believe we have a hit here?

With enough practice, anyone can develop the ability to present ideas clearly in any impromptu speaking situation.   

What will you learn?

CONTROLLING YOUR NERVES

The next time you are about to give a speech, as your heart pounds, you have butterflies in your stomach and your knees quiver; turn your anxiety into positive energy. Your audience will be impressed with your confidence and listen to every word you say.

ORGANIZING YOUR SPEECH

The words in a well-organized speech work together to obtain and keep the audience’s attention.

BEGINNING YOUR SPEECH

Successful speech openings meet four criteria:

1. Get the attention of the audience.

2. Introduce the topic.

3. Establish rapport.

CLOSING YOUR SPEECH

People will remember the last thing they hear more than any other part of your speech.

PREPARATION AND PRACTICE

The majority of speakers recognize the value of careful preparation and regular rehearsal before delivering a speech.

KNOWING YOUR AUDIENCE

Speakers want to share knowledge and move an audience to share their viewpoint.

You may want to give people something to carry home with.

So you are performers. Your performing art is music. But speaking is also a performing art. You are a good musician, but it will help you to manage situations in life like presenting a project or proposing your partner to become a good speaker. Or even convince your partner that you love him or her for ever.

So, yes, both musicians and public speakers are performing artists and learning public speaking abilities may help us all: musicians and public speakers.

Crisis management speech

Situation: The vice-president of a political party has been arrested by the police under charges of corruption; there are 50 detainees in total.

Successful crisis management (according to the manual)

1.    Identify your message

2.    Know what you can’t say

3.    Show concern

4.    Provide relevant information

5.    Be truthful

6.    Do not guess

7.    Admit mistakes

8.    Admit that you don’t know everything

Successful crisis management (according to Machiavelli)

1.    State welfare is responsibility of the Leader

2.    And should be achieved by any means possible, including deceit and intrigue

3.    Leader’s morality  is less important than state welfare

4.    Leader will be judged by results obtained rather than means used

5.    Conclusion: a prudent Leader cannot and should not stand by his words

Here is the speech

Fellow citizens

-    First, I would like to apologize before you, the citizens.

-        I understand that you, the people of this country, are fed up with what we are seeing these days.

-        And I understand the annoyance of the citizens. We certainly had some rotten apples in our basket

-        I trusted my deputy, but he betrayed my trust

-        I made a mistake, but who doesn’t, sometime during his life?

-        Should I know what he was all about, I would have fired him immediately.

-        ‘Cause I am incompatible with corruption.

-        Resign? Would you trust someone who abandons the ship in the middle of a storm?

-        The fact that this scheme has been discovered is a proof that the Judicial System is working.

-        Corruption is everywhere, it happens in other countries too.

-        In this country if you commit a crime, you have to face the consequences for what you do

-        Those who are corrupt should go to jail

-        Justice is equal for all

-        But, till now, we don’t know what really happened.

-        This is something for the Courts to decide

-        In the meantime we are going to set up a parliamentary enquiry and

-        We are going to promote legislation to make enforcement easier

-        As for the rest of the arrested, I didn’t knew them

-        But, this doesn’t mean the all the party is corrupt. It’s just some individuals. 99% of politicians are honest.

-        Nothing to do with my political party, it’s just the individual.

-        All than I can say to you is that we definitely will uproot the weeds

-        And make sure this never happens again

-        As for the opposition, they don’t have the moral authority to criticise us, because

-        They have plenty to be ashamed of

My first kiss

                                                  

Do you remember your first romantic kiss? 

I do.

She was French and I was only fifteen.

There is nothing like a French kiss given by a French girl, I swear! Reject imitations!

A kiss may be like:

• a comma
• a question mark
• an exclamation point

Mine was warm and passionate like an exclamation point.

My first kiss was...was... a heart-quake!

My foundations shook to the ground!

I didn't know how to react in that situation, because nobody taught me how to give or to receive a French kiss.

In the school they teach you lots of useless things, like the Pythagoras theorem, which I never needed, but they don't teach

 you important things like how to French kiss a girl, which I needed often.

Or how to salute people in general.

The only place they teach you how to salute is the Army. The military salute consists of three steps:

• Step one: stand up as straight as possible and keep both arms at your sides, fingers together, pointing to the ground.
• Step two: Raise your right hand, fingers together, and touch the upper part of your eyebrow. Your forearm should be parallel to the ground and the arm at a 45º angle.
• Step three. Hold the salute for fifteen to thirty seconds. For extra effectiveness maintain eye contact throughout the salute.

French kissing would be completely different, wouldn't it? Yeah, war and love are arts apart, aren't they? Instead of three steps, I would give you three advices:

• Advice number one. Don't stand up straight, you need to bend over... or lay down .
• Advice number two. Because kissing is about pushing and thrusting, don't keep your arms at your sides, you'd better grab your partner. Where to touch, up the eyebrow or down the eyebrow is up to you. Suggestion: one hand on the back, the other on the waist... or perhaps lower down...?
• Advice number three. Don't try eye contact; you'll see your partner face completely blurred. And don't worry about time: the longer, the better.

This is what I mean. This soldier probably knew how to properly make a military salute, but, for God's sake, he knew how to give a French kiss!

It was probably a stolen kiss: the military equivalent of the surprise attack

And it was not an air kiss, the one you give to a fellow Toastmaster of the opposite sex not to spoil the ladies' make-up. It was, rather, an air raid.

Yes, if we had been taught how properly kiss people we would be able to negotiate different kissing situations, like the ones we may find this Christmas:

• What kind of kiss should you give to your mother-in-law. Will a smooch be all-right? ;
• What kind of hug should you give to your brothers-in-law: full body, upper body or no-body;
• Whether to double kiss the Queen of England, in the case you are invited to Sandriham to dinner.

So yes, I remember that calm summer night in which our lips touched for the first time.

And you? Do you remember your first kiss?

A phoney story

I’m gonna tell you a phony story about technology. It’s authentic, but

it’s phony, and it's phony because it’s the story of my mobile phone a,

so-called, smartphone.

It’s somewhat old and has some scratches, but it is still smart, just

like, ahem, me. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

It still smarts from some falls to the floor, but it’s still going strong,

just like, ahem, me.

There are a couple of things I don’t understand about mobiles:

1.- I don’t understand why the call them mobile, because they don’t

move at all. For instance, I throw a ball at them, and.. Come on,

fetch it...nothing…. My dog is more mobile and certainly smarter than

that.

2.- Nor do I understand why they call them cell phones, because it’s

the kind of gadget a prisoner won’t be allowed to take to his cell.

3.- My phone is smart because it has, among other things, very

interesting ringtones. One is very funny to use in crowded elevators,

if you receive a call, in the next floor, yeah, the elevator is empty.

They, phones, come in many models and shapes.

For instance, this is the banana phone, very adequate for tropical

climates. Necessity is the mother of invention, isn’t it? The good thing

about it is that it is edible, which is useful if you are in a deserted

island.

Let me try it

- Eugene, Eugene

- It’s me, Pablo from Toastmasters

- I just wanted to know if the Russians have already withdrawn

their smart missiles from Cuba.

- They did that already

- That’s good

- But, is Fidel Castro still in power?

- O yeah, I understand, the missiles are gone, but Castro is still

in

- I see

Another very useful feature of my phone is the autocorrect, or

predictive text. Yes. Sometimes gets you into trouble, but it’s fine.

For instance, I once texted

Grandma is in the grave

- and my contact asked

- What are you saying?

- Ooops, sorry, garage,

- Oh autocorrect!

Among the most absurd applications, we have:

- The melon meter

You knock on the water melon with consistent pressure and rhythm

until prompted to stop.

The phone will tell you if the melon is ready for consumption

Smart phones are really clever.

Suppose it’s Monday, you have a huge hangover, and you want to

fake an illness.

You type: how to fake symptoms of being ill

And you read;

- Decide what illness are you going to fake

- Start mentioning symptoms the day before you want to fake

sick

- Jog your memory

- Make your face pale

- Pretend you are dizzy and lightheaded

- Act uncomfortable

- Be sluggish

- Act like you’re upset about being sick

- Don’t suddenly get better.

In a parallel universe, right after we'd come to this world, telephone

chips will be implanted in our heads, the way we implant chips on

dogs.

Once the implant is into place, we will be taught at school a set of

gestures like these:

- Riiing, it rings inside your head

- If you have the number in memory, you see who's calling

- To accept the call you pull your ear lobe: Hello?

- To reject the call you push your nose. BRRR

To speak, you do this (thumb & small finger) The earphone is

implanted in my thumb and the microphone in mi little finger.

I have one of those chips implanted, you know? Sorry, I have a call

- Pablo Gómez-Mora speaking, who is calling, please?

- President Obama?

- Yes, I accept. It is not a collect call, is it?

- OK

- Barak,

- Yes, I called you yesterday because my father says you're

bugging my phone?

- He says he is not my father

lick t� E B W � xo� this Land Rover… and I only have one tongue.

- Please, I need the car because I have an ill child and I have to take her to the Hospital.

- Well, I’ll see what I can do. Leave the car there.

- Where?

- There

- But there it does not fit

- (nodding)

- Go, go, go ahead, you got it